Let's Talk About Who I Am

A few years ago I learned from a doctor that I have a testosterone count lower than most women. The doctor asked a few questions about what my teen years were like and explained that I probably had low testosterone my entire life, never reaching the levels I should have had; it was a bit of a revelation, if not a surprise.

Interestingly, what led to the diagnosis was me talking to the doctor about how I was depressed and listless. He ran a bunch of extra blood tests and told me that this was probably the cause of the depression, listlessness, and low energy.

For the last few years I've been on Androgel (a testosterone replacement therapy) on and off. Losing insurance meant I had to go off it since it's ridiculously expensive and then I was finally able to go back on it when I moved out here.

Here's the thing:

I am literally a different person when I'm on this drug.

The depression isn't 100% gone; I still have some bad days. The listlessness, though, is gone and I feel driven to do things. Even on my bad days I get off my butt and get a few things done around the house, whereas before a bad day meant that I didn't get out of bed or if I did then I didn't get off the couch. On good days I'm a whirlwind of productivity. The difference is insane.

I'm more inclined to get things done, stick with plans on how I want to handle my day, and am generally happier. Granted, I'm still learning how to use this energy; I spent roughly 30 years trying to be as unproductive as possible so now here I am with the energy and drive to get things done and I'm not quite as good at them as I could be since I don't have the practice.

There are a few downsides to the drug though. It's not a perfect solution, it's just close to one.

I'm angrier than I used to be. Those that know me know that I'm one of the calmest people on the face of the Earth. With Androgel, I have a very faint level of frustration that flows in the background of my brain. It comes to the front when things don't go as planned and it results in me being a bit more snappy than I should be.

I feel like I'm a huge jerk when I'm in that mood but I'm told that my level of "jerk" is quite a few other people's level of "being a human being," so that makes me feel good. I'm just not used to anger; it's a part of me but one that I have almost never had to deal with. I could push it aside in the past whereas now it's strong enough to push my rational brain to the back for a bit, at its worst.

I'm more creative too, on Androgel. I've been drawing, writing, and following my passions a bit more than in the past.

Because now I have passions.

I wonder if those things are linked: Anger and passion. Can you have one without the other? Has the lack of one strong emotion robbed me of the other?

Has the lack of testosterone robbed me of the strong feelings needed to follow my dreams? Will having raised the levels in my blood help me find talents and skills I never knew I had, or maybe just help me develop them because I can enjoy things on a level that I never have before?

I'll never know what could have been. I'll only know what comes next and even that I'll only know after it happens.

In the meantime, I'll be following my passions. I need to stay on testosterone.

The truth of the matter is that I like who I am better when I'm on it. I feel more like the real me even though this version of me hasn't been around even 1/10th the time I've been on this planet.